With or Without You
by Merula
Summary: AU, OOC, yaoi. My same old theme. Heero leaves. Duo finds him. Complete


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.

Lots of angst, melodramatic stuff and fangirl Italian. My husband is both Italian and a waiter… you'll see he had an influence…

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"It's nothing to worry about Heero," Duo told me, leaning across the table. "Really. We'll work on it and in a few weeks you can go back. No problem."

I smiled at my lover, not wanting to argue with him anymore. It was a problem, and I didn't think a little 'work' was going to change anything.

Une had called me into her office today. My latest partner had just quit. Couldn't deal with my attitude or me. Since the guy was former Oz that wasn't terribly surprising, but he had been my fourth partner in as many weeks.

Before this, Duo had been my partner and the only complaints about me came when we had to work with others. But then Une had discovered that Duo and I were more than roommates, and she'd split up the partnership. She had to- it was regulation. She was already in hot water for letting the pilots work at the Preventers as it was. Most people felt we were too dangerous.

Or, as my last partner put it- "they should've put you down when the war ended!"

I didn't tell him that had been J's plan for me, and I was beginning to see why.

Duo, of course, got along wonderfully with his new partner- another ex-Ozzie- which meant that I couldn't even blame that factor for my deficiencies in the partner department.

And I had realized I had quite a few of them- Duo had been adept at working with them- so adept I hadn't noticed it.

"Heero? Are you listening to me?" Duo put a hand on my arm. "It's really no big deal. We just need to work on it…"

"Work on it how exactly?" I asked him.

That stumped him.

"And I don't think Une will take me back. I had quite a few complaints against me already as it was- this was just the clincher."

"Sure she will! You're a great agent! I'll talk to her, don't worry…"

I pushed my plate away, not that I was eating much of it anyway.

"I'm going to go lie down for a while," I told Duo and got up from my chair. He half-rose too and I shook my head at him. "Finish. I… need some time."

Duo, understanding as always, nodded at me and sat back down.

I made my way back to our bedroom and lay flat on our bed.

Failure.

That's what I was. That was all I was.

What was I going to do now? Une had fired me- well, she'd put it nicer than that- asked me to submit my resignation, but that's what it was.

I didn't know how to do anything else- other than maybe becoming an assassin- but that wasn't exactly the job that I wanted to do. Who would hire me anyway? A former pilot with an attitude problem was not what most people were looking for in an employee.

Attitude- that was what my partners had complained about- what Duo was apparently ready to work with me on- and yet I didn't understand it. I had been polite- I had tried to be respectful. What was the part of my attitude that was unacceptable?

I didn't see it. I couldn't understand it. And if I didn't- how could I change it?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, the scent of Duo's shampoo filling my senses. His pillow was under my head, his scent comforting and reassuring.

Duo… he deserved better than this. He had told me this afternoon not to worry, his salary was more than enough- and I knew it was, but it shouldn't have to be.

Did my attitude disturb him? Or had he learned to work around it?

I had heard my partner in the break room last Monday, talking to Duo: "How do you stand him Maxwell? I mean- you're so different! I can't believe someone like you would choose to put up with someone like him!"

I hadn't stuck around to hear Duo's answer, though it was something I had wondered about myself. Why did he put up with me? He was everything I wasn't… he deserved someone more like himself.

The bed dipped, and Duo curled up beside me. "Still brooding?" He asked as his arm slipped around my waist. "It's really okay Heero. We'll figure out something. Don't worry."

"Do I have an attitude?" I asked him.

It took him a long moment to reply. "Everyone has an attitude."

"What's wrong with mine?"

Another long pause. "Nothing Heero. You're just… very efficient. You know you can do things and you do them and you expect your partners to know what to do too."

That sounded right, but... "What's wrong with that?"

Duo gave me a squeeze. "Nothing. It's just- if your partner doesn't do what you think needs to be done, you do it for them. And you never say anything, but you have a way of not saying things that make people feel uncomfortable- like they were an idiot for not figuring out their part."

"Did I make you feel that way?"

"Honestly? Yes."

I closed my eyes. Damn. "Do I still? Even though I'm not your partner?"

"Not…really." The pause in between the words told me Duo was lying- or glossing over the truth. Not an outright lie, but close enough. Which told me that this attitude of mine was not just in the workplace…

Duo shifted, one of his legs sliding over my body, pulling himself upright to straddle me. "It's no big deal Heero. Now that you know what it is, we can change it. I'll help you and in no time you can get your job back."

I reached up and buried my hand into the hair at the base of his neck, pulling him forward, pulling his mouth down to mine.

Duo responded eagerly, as he always did.

Or maybe he was just glad to be off the topic for the moment.

I decided to keep us off topic for a bit, and slid my free hand under his shirt. He pushed his hips against mine, and then my brain stopped thinking for a while….

Afterwards, he curled up beside me, dozing, eyes more than halfway closed as I let my fingers run through his hair.

"I love you," he murmured into my chest. "Really do…"

"I know," I told him. "I've never doubted that." He smiled and his eyes closed completely.

Nothing else would've kept Duo with me all this time. Even though I was hurting him. Even though he deserved someone better.

I needed to stop being selfish.

Decision made, I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up when Duo did, despite the fact I had no place to go. I took a shower with him, made him coffee and toast, packed a lunch for him. When he left, I kissed him goodbye at the door.

It was very domestic, and if I hadn't already decided on a course of action, it would've depressed me to death.

"Have a good day! Relax and don't worry about anything!" Duo told me when he left. "I'll call you later!" He ran down the steps of our building and out to the parking lot.

I closed the door behind him, went back to the bedroom and quickly packed a bag. Most of the stuff in the apartment Duo had bought- or we had bought together. I wasn't going to take any of it. I only needed my clothes, laptop and wallet.

At the last moment, I took one of the pictures of us that we had on the walls. It had been taken at a party of Quatre's and was one of my favorites. I put it carefully in the bag and zipped it closed.

I went to my desk and pulled out the title for the car. I signed it over to Duo. I couldn't take it with me; it would be too easy to trace- even if I traded it in.

I took the title into the kitchen with me and left it on the counter, my car keys on top of it.

One last thing.

I grabbed a slip of paper and left a note for Duo.

_You deserve better than this. I know you'll find it. _

I scribbled my name at the bottom and left it on the fridge- Duo always went there first when he got home.

I picked up my duffle and left the apartment.

There was a bus stop at the entrance to our complex. The nine o' clock bus was due in a few minutes. I'd take it for a few blocks, then get off and switch, then maybe walk a few blocks.

I needed to get to my bank, pull out the money I had in there, and find someplace to stay.

No one would look for me in this city. They would assume that I had left, that I had gone back to L1, or someplace else. They'd assume that I would change my name- and I would, but they wouldn't think to look at the obvious. I was going to do all the things an amateur would do- and because of that- no one would find me.

The bus arrived and I got on, dropping my fare in the box and moving to the back. I sat where I could see our- now Duo's- apartment.

This was better for him. Maybe better for me too. Maybe if I didn't have him to lean on…

Yeah, right.

A car squealed by the bus, turning into our complex- going way too fast.

Duo's car.

I saw him stop the car in front of the apartment and leap out, running up our stairs- leaving the car door wide open. What had happened?

The bus started to pull away and I leaned forward in my seat, squinting at the car. I hoped nothing too bad had happened- maybe Duo had just forgotten something. I saw a glint of silver on the front seat- Duo's cell phone. I wondered why he left it there…

I mentally shook myself. Whatever it was, he'd find my note. I now had less time to vanish than I thought.

I leaned back in my seat, the bus picking up speed as we left the complex, and focused on what I had to get done.

After I switched buses a few times, I went to an internet café and found a seat in the corner. It was one I had been to before. It catered to people who wanted to work in peace, so the workspaces were in cubbies and the servers only approached if you waved to them.

I pulled a small box out of my duffle, glad now that I hadn't thrown it away during the wars. I hooked it up to my laptop, and got to work.

A few hours later and I had a new ID and a new past. Something that would satisfy anyone doing a quick background check.

I walked out of the café and headed towards my next stop- the bank.

Several hours later I was in a new apartment- a tiny studio with a fold down bed- and was firmly established in my new identity. I had a home, a bank account, an ID card… all I needed now was a job. I could manage well enough on my savings for a few months, but I didn't want to do that.

But what could I do? It had to be something that I wasn't good at. Something that I had to learn, something that wouldn't let me inadvertently slip back into that attitude. Something that would help me to be a different- better person.

I sighed. I had no idea what that would be.

I leaned back on the bare mattress and felt a spring poke my back. Our… Duo's bed was more comfortable than this. I had slept in worse places, I reminded myself, just not for a long time…

And for even longer than that- not without Duo.

Not that long, I reminded myself. We hadn't even been together until after that mess with Mariamaia… and even then we had skirted the issue for a good year or so.

Only two years of sharing a bed with him… it wouldn't- it couldn't be that hard to get used to be alone again.

I missed him. If I weren't so sure this was the best thing for him, I would've given in and gone to beg him to take me back. But I had hurt him, made him feel inferior… I didn't like who I was, how could I expect him to keep liking me either?

That was just it, I admitted it to myself. I left before he left me. I couldn't keep a partner, how could I have expected to keep him?

I knew Duo had found my note by now. I'm sure he was looking…

Or maybe not. Maybe he'd realized I was right.

I closed my eyes and shifted, trying to avoid the spring.

It was a long night. The bed seemed too big. It was too quiet- I was used to Duo's snoring. The spring kept poking me in the back. I was using a jacket as a pillow and the zipper kept poking my ear. It was hours before I fell asleep, and even then I seemed to wake up every hour or so.

I missed Duo.

The next morning I staggered out of bed and headed towards the shower, before I realized I didn't have any towels. Or shampoo. Or soap.

There were still so many things to do- get towels, get sheets, get the essentials, get a telephone… find a job. It was enough to keep my mind focused and prevented me from finding the nearest payphone and calling Duo despite my good intentions.

I took a shower anyway and used one of my shirts to dry off with.

I got dressed and left the apartment. Maybe I'd be able to find coffee somewhere close and maybe even a newspaper to look at the job ads.

My apartment building was in a district of the city called 'Little Italy'. Half the signs were in both Italian and English, some didn't even bother with the English. Like every other part of town, small restaurants vied with markets and stores for space, the tables placed out on the sidewalks. Duo and I had been here once or twice. He preferred Chinatown and I liked the wharfs so it was still somewhat new territory for me.

I bought a newspaper from a stand and looked for a place to sit down and read it. I found one place open for breakfast, though no one was inside yet.

When I walked in, a young woman greeted me and took me to a table. "What would you like?" She asked. I blinked, since I hadn't seen a menu of any type.

"What do you have?"

"For breakfast? Anything!" She laughed. "You are new here?"

I nodded.

"Ah, well then, let me explain. We stick to the traditional Italian breakfast- which is usually coffee of some kind and maybe a pastry. Easy enough, and we don't need menus for that."

"That sounds fine."

"What kind of pastry?"

"Any kind is fine." I must've looked completely confused, because she laughed again.

"Why don't I bring you what the owner and I have for breakfast- and you can see if you like it?"

"All right."

She left, still chuckling, and I opened the paper to the help wanted ads. I figured anything that said 'no experience needed, will train" would fit into my parameters.

There weren't a lot of those.

The girl returned with a steaming cup of coffee and a plate with a flaky thing that was evidently the pastry.

She stood by me for a moment after she put them down, and it dawned on me that she was waiting for me to try them.

I took a bite of the pastry, and smiled at her expectant expression. "Very good," I told her and she grinned. She looked down at the paper as I took a sip of the coffee.

"Are you looking for a job?" She asked.

"Yes."

"What kind?"

"Anything that I'm not good at," I told her and she gave me a startled look.

"Why?"

"I left my last job because no one wanted to work with someone who knew it all- my attitude was wrong." I explained and wondered why I did so. "I wasn't even realizing that I was doing it until… a friend pointed it out to me. I don't want to be that type of person, so I'm looking for a job that I have to learn- that I'll give the people I work with the respect they deserve because I have to learn from them."

"That will be difficult," she blinked.

"I know- but I have to do it. My attitude cost me a lot of things I valued."

"Good luck," she told me and vanished towards the back again. I ate my pastry and drank my coffee slowly as I went through the paper. There were a few places I could go today and submit applications for… that would keep me busy.

I folded up my paper and looked for the waitress. She was at another table, talking to the customers there, so I let my gaze wander around the room. An older man stood by the counter in the front, and as I looked in his direction, he smiled at me.

He walked over to the table and pulled out the chair across from me. "Did you like your breakfast?"

"It was very good, thank you."

"Sofia tells me you're looking for a job that you will have to learn from the ground up."

"Yes sir." I replied, wondering where this was going.

"My niece- Sofia there, is a good girl. She's going to college soon. Her younger sister works for me too- my Isabella. Their mother died a long time ago- and their father died in the war." He shook his head sadly. "She is a very nice girl. I wouldn't want anything distracting her from her school plans."

"School is important," I agreed, feeling lost.

"She's worried I won't be able to get any help here- it looks slow now, but in the afternoon and evening we get very busy. Isabella comes home from school and works hard because we have so many customers."

"I can believe it." Was the guy just looking for someone to talk to?

"Sofia wants me to take on some more help so that when she starts school it won't be so hard for Isabella. But I don't want to hire anyone that might be tempted to distract my girls from their schooling."

He leaned over the table and eyed me.

I finally got it.

I thought about it for a moment. I sure as hell didn't know a damn thing about waiting on tables- or anything to do with a restaurant.

I started to open my mouth, but then I realized something. He wasn't being direct- so I shouldn't be either.

"School is very important," I said. "Nothing should interfere with school. Anyone you brought in would have to treat those girls as if they were his sisters."

"Exactly," the glare vanished. "I'm Vittorio Medici. Who are you?" Ah, apparently the interview was beginning now that I had passed the screening.

"Heero Maxwell," I told him, and his eyebrows rose.

"Japanese and Scottish?"

I smiled. "I'm an orphan. Someone that took me in called me 'Heero', the 'Maxwell' I got from a friend. I don't know what my real name was."

"That's a terrible thing- not to know your family. These wars have done that to so many." He looked at Sofia again. "I'm glad my girls had me at least."

"They are very lucky."

"So, do you live around here?"

"Just moved in down the street- at the Villa."

"Ah, Mia runs those! She is a tightfisted woman! No doubt she is overcharging you. I would speak to her about that."

"She seemed very nice. She let me move in right away."

"You moved in right away? No waiting?" His eyebrow went up.

"I… needed to move."

Vittorio leaned over the table. "Are you in trouble, boy?"

I shook my head. "No. No trouble. Just- wasn't able to stay where I was."

He nodded, leaning back. "Fight with your girlfriend? She'll calm down- they always do."

I shook my head. "We didn't fight. I just- well, kind of like I told Sofia- I realized my attitude was doing him more harm than good. So I left."

His eyebrow arched up at the pronoun.

I wondered if I had blown it.

Then he laughed.

"You should've said something right away." He patted my shoulder. "I wouldn't have given you that lecture about sniffing around my girls. So, Heero, when can you start working for me?"

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I guess there was still a part of me that thought that I could do anything well that I set my mind to- and that part did not last past my first night of work.

I had been to restaurants lots of times, always tried to be nice to my servers of course, but I never thought about what they did.

Damn, it was hard.

Maybe it was because it was a family run restaurant- there weren't very many of us working, and Medici's was always crowded. Maybe it was the fact that most of the customers liked giving their orders in rapid fire Italian.

Maybe it was just a really hard job.

My feet ached for weeks. I knew I was spending way too much time with the back and forth stuff than Sofia or Isabella did, simply because I wasn't practiced enough. I made mistakes. I dropped things. I messed up orders. I brought the wrong food to the wrong table. I got cursed at and didn't understand a word. I got hit on and teased.

It wasn't all bad. Vittorio and his girls were very patient with me. So were the 'regulars' who thought it was hysterically funny that Medici had hired on some poor boy that couldn't speak a word of the language and couldn't tell the difference between fettuccini and penne. They set out to educate me.

I learned a lot those first few months. I learned the right way to carry a tray. I learned how to get to all my tables quickly. I learned to prioritize. Thanks to Isabella taking pity on me, I learned enough Italian to cope- she'd give me lessons in the lull between lunch and dinner.

Once it became known that she was teaching me, everyone felt the need to join in. No one seemed to pronounce things the same…

My landlord turned out to be an old friend of Vittorio's. She dropped my rent much lower than she had originally set it, telling me that she was glad Vittorio finally had gotten some more help in there for those girls. She helped me find sheets and towels; she even let the phone guy into my apartment when I couldn't get away from the restaurant to meet him. In return I brought her leftovers from the restaurant and helped her fix little things around the complex.

Things slowly got better. My feet still ached occasionally, but only on the weekends when the tourists came down and we were really busy. I was able to joke with the customers in Italian and laugh with them about my awful accent. Sofia started school and I was able to repay some of my debt to her family by helping her with her physics homework.

I still hated going home to my empty apartment. I still hated sleeping alone. I was sure Duo had moved on by now. Why wouldn't he? I hoped whomever he was with appreciated and took care of him. I got a few date offers, a few more offers of set-ups, but I turned them all down. I just couldn't date anyone else. I still loved Duo.

Six months after I had started, when I realized that I hadn't dropped anything for about a month, I asked Sofia if she noticed that I was developing an attitude.

She laughed at me.

"Attitude? You? Hardly. You are so deferential to the customers and Uncle- even to Isa and me. Such a nice boy!" And she patted my cheek like some ancient lady. "I think you managed to train yourself out of it." She added, in her own tone. "Truly! But don't let it go to your head! You still have lots to learn. Uncle wants to teach you how to cook now too, you know!"

"I think I'd end up poisoning our customers!" I laughed and continued rolling silverware up into napkins.

She grinned. "So… now that I told you that you conquered your fault- are you going to go back to your lover? I'm sure he misses you."

I blinked at her. It didn't surprise me that much- nothing stays a secret here I had learned.

"No." I shook my head. "I'm sure he's moved on. I hope he has."

The dinner crowd began to come in and conversation halted for a while.

It was a Friday night, a very busy time between the regulars and the tourists. Our restaurants' tables were packed; Sofia, Isabella and I were running around like we always did on the weekends.

I was ringing out a check, Isabella waiting for me to finish, when Sofia joined us briefly at the counter. "Lucky you, Heero!" she grinned. "Four gorgeous boys just came and sat in your section! I don't suppose I could get you to trade with me?"

I looked towards my section- I had the booths along the back wall. It was dimly lit back there and I couldn't make out anything from my position.

"I'll take your word for it." I finished and went to drop off the change.

I worked my way down the row of booths, checking, taking orders, and then found myself in front of Sofia's 'four gorgeous boys'. My heart nearly stopped. Luckily, they were bent over their menus, so I had a minute to adjust my expression.

"Welcome to Medici's, gentlemen. May I get you something to drink while you look at the menu?"

Duo's head snapped up and I watched him turn pale. The guy seated next to him was someone I had seen occasionally around the office- I wondered if he was Duo's new partner, or something else.

Then I squashed that thought. It wasn't important.

"I'd like a glass of red wine," the guy said, either not recognizing me or not giving a damn. "The house is fine." He put an arm along the back of the booth, close to Duo's shoulders. "What do you want Duo?"

I made a note on the pad, hoping my hands weren't shaking.

"Just water…" Duo managed. I turned to look at the other couple. Quatre and Trowa were blinking at me. Maybe this was a double date?

"For you sirs?" I asked.

"Heero!" One of my regulars bellowed across the room at me. I turned to look and he grinned at me. In Italian, he added: "Hurry up with the tourists! I'm starving!"

I waved a hand at him. "A moment!" I replied in Italian and he laughed.

"Red wine for me too please." Quatre added and nudged Trowa.

"Same," he said.

"Excellent. I will be right back with those. Our special tonight is the marsala- it's very good." I quickly turned my back and headed for the regular's table.

I took his order, letting him tease me about being too nice to the tourists and then I headed back to the kitchen.

Sofia was in there with Vittorio, going over an order. I put the order on the carousel and took a deep breath.

"Heero- you okay? You're pale? Are you ill?" Sofia looked at me.

"Just saw a ghost." I shook my head. "Sofia, I will do anything for you if you will take over table 12 for me. I can't serve them."

"Why?" Vittorio leaned over the counter. "Who are they?"

"Old friends of mine." I took a breath. "One in particular…"

Sofia nodded. "Fill their drink order for me. I'll take it." She exchanged a look with her uncle and headed out with her tray of food.

I filled up the tray for her, grabbed another and filled it with things for the other tables. Sofia came back and we went out together.

I did my best to ignore table 12. It wasn't that hard. We were really busy. I got orders, served and joked with my customers and did my job.

At the same time, I knew I was being watched. It was that familiar itch between the shoulder blades…

I was near the register when I saw the guys get up and head for the door, where they would pass uncomfortably close to me. I let my fingers fly over the register, trying to move faster, focusing my attention on it, trying to ignore the fact they were getting closer.

Sofia, bless her, came and hung over my shoulder. "Hurry Heero! I have a check to ring!" She looked at the guys as they walked past. "Thank you for coming! We hope to see you again soon!"

"Thank you," Duo answered her, and I couldn't help lifting my eyes for a brief moment. "We will be back soon." His eyes were narrowed and cold. The guy's hand was on Duo's arm. I suppressed a shiver and dropped my gaze. I heard the door close behind them and sighed in relief.

Sofia nudged me. "You gave up a good tip."

Time passed. Customers began to clear out. Isabella went up to bed- she had the breakfast shift tomorrow. I helped Sofia clean off tables and lay things out for the morning.

We were finishing up the last few things when she finally said something.

"They were very sweet guys."

"I know they are." Well I could vouch for three of them anyway.

"The one with the braid- he asked me a lot of questions about you." I wasn't surprised.

"What did you tell him?"

She raised a shoulder. "Not much. I said you were a good worker, that you were nice to the customers and didn't have an attitude.' She grinned. "That you had been completely hopeless when you started."

That made me smile. We worked in silence for a moment.

"His last name is Maxwell, isn't it?" She asked quietly.

"Yes."

"I wondered- he acted so odd when I told him." She looked me in the eye. "He's a very nice man."

"The best." I agreed.

"Why did you leave him?"

"Because I'm not."

Sofia snorted and then smacked me on the head with the palm of her hand. "Idiot."

"I know." She shook her head.

"Go home. I'll see you at lunch tomorrow!"

She locked the front door behind me and I started off down the street.

What was going to happen? Duo knew where I was now- but he was dating someone else. The memory of the guy's arm across Duo's shoulders flashed through my head. I shook myself. I had let him go. The guy seemed okay, just right for someone like Duo. Better than I had been.

More than likely I wouldn't see them again. I hadn't planned on him finding me, but really, it wasn't like we had much to say to each other now, right?

I heard footsteps behind me. It was late for anyone to be out. We didn't have a lot of crime in our area, but we had some. I took a deep breath. Any mugger was going to find himself in for a nasty surprise. I wasn't in the mood to play nice tonight.

I walked a bit more, the footsteps still echoing behind me- nether gaining nor falling back, just keeping pace with me. Reaching my building I wondered if I should just dash inside.

But then if it were a mugger, they'd go looking for another target. Better me than one of my neighbors.

Turning quickly, hoping to catch my follower by surprise, I found myself face to face with Duo.

"What… ?" I managed.

"I want to talk to you." He was scowling. "Now."

It was late- but I doubted he'd want to wait until morning.

"Okay." I paused for a moment, but he still glared at me. "My apartment's right here…" I offered and he nodded.

"So let's go."

We climbed the stairs to my apartment in silence. Thankfully, Mia's light was off. I didn't have to introduce Duo to her.

I opened the door for Duo and followed him inside. I flipped the lights on and he looked around the room, still frowning.

It wasn't anything like the apartment we had shared. I knew I hadn't decorated much. I was never really home. I had gotten sheets and pillows for the bed, and a desk for the laptop, but that was about the extent of it. Duo turned to look out my small window at the dark street.

"So," I asked as I put my keys down, unwilling to let the silence continue. "How are things with you?"

"I thought you were dead." Duo's back was to me, his voice even and flat. "I called home that morning after I left, because I realized I had forgotten a file. You didn't answer the phone; I knew you were upset. I was worried. I kept calling and you didn't answer- I panicked. I went home and found your note." He took a deep gasping breath. "I thought you had gone off to kill yourself. I couldn't find you…"

It had never occurred to me that Duo would see my absence that way. "Oh Duo, I'm sorry…."

"It wasn't until days later that I checked the bank... then I went to L1… I sent feelers out everywhere… I couldn't find you… I wondered if you had taken the money and donated it- and then killed yourself."

He turned to me, mouth pulled back in a snarl. "How could you do that to me! I told you I was going to help you! Why didn't you trust me? How could you just leave me like that?"

I sat down on the bed and looked at him. "How else was I supposed to leave you?"

A moment later and Duo's fist connected with the side of my jaw, knocking me off the bed and sending me sprawling onto the floor.

"Not like that! Not at all!" I sat up and looked at him.

"Duo, it was the only way I could do it." I put a hand to my jaw. Damn it hurt. "I was a failure- I couldn't pull you down with me." He opened his mouth. "Duo- I was hurting you. I didn't know I was doing it, but that doesn't excuse it. I was a lousy partner at work and at home. You deserved better than me."

I pulled myself up to my feet and faced him again.

His eyes were wet. "I thought you were dead… I started seeing someone else!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm glad. I hoped you'd move on."

He grabbed the front of my shirt, yanking me closer. "Don't you care! I was in hell because of you! And now… now that I thought I was getting over you- you're here!"

I put my hands over his. "Duo, I'm so sorry. That didn't even occur to me. Honestly. If I had known… I didn't even think of it. I just wanted to stop hurting you. I wanted you to find someone better. That's all. You don't have to find me. You can forget you ever saw me."

He put his head against my chest. "I thought you loved me."

I couldn't help putting my arms around him. "I do love you. More than anything. It's been hell without you."

"I hope it has been," he whispered. "I hope it hurt."

I closed my eyes. "It still does." He made a faint noise.

"I don't understand this. I wanted to help you. I told you I would. I was honest with you. This should've been something we did together."

"It was my problem Duo, not yours. And it was hurting you."

He laughed, and it wasn't a happy sound. "She said you had gotten over your superior attitude Heero. Doesn't sound like you've lost it at all. Still telling me what's best. Still holding all your emotions in, not letting me help you…"

That made me wince. I opened my eyes and dropped my arms. "I'm sorry. I guess I fixed the work attitude but not this one…"

Duo let go of my shirt and stepped back. "I could've helped you with it Heero."

"At what cost to yourself?"

"It would've been for you. Why can't you see that I would've gone to the same lengths you did for me? I would've done anything for you! I didn't care what it would cost me…"

"But I would. Would you have wanted me to help you if it meant I was the one getting hurt? Hurt because of you?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it again, thinking. "I guess you have a point." He said finally. "But it doesn't mean that I like it."

"Fair enough."

We looked at each other silently for a long moment.

"What now?" He asked me.

"I don't know." I lifted a shoulder. "I know I hurt you. I know you've found someone else- and I'm happy for you. He seemed like a nice guy."

Duo's mouth curved up in a faint smile. "Yeah, he is."

I bit the inside of my cheek hard. There was only one thing to do.

"So then we say goodbye the way I should've done it the first time."

He blinked. "That's what you want?"

"That's what would be best for you, and so, yes, that's what I want."

"You don't want anything else? We couldn't be friends? I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, but I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" I reached out, slid my hand under Duo's chin, lifted his head up and kissed him.

It had been so long, and I had wanted it so badly. He opened his mouth for me, pulling me deeper into the kiss.

I dragged myself away from his mouth.

"That's why," I told him. "You aren't mine anymore. I know it's my fault, but I couldn't… I couldn't be around you and not want to do that." I moved away from him and went to open the door. "Goodbye Duo."

He stood where he was for a moment, head bowed. Then he nodded and joined me at the door. "Goodbye Heero."

I closed the door behind him and sat down on the floor, wrapping my arms around my legs and burying my face against my knees. I realized that I had been holding onto hope- despite my protests that I had wanted Duo to move on and be happy, I hadn't really wanted that at all. I had wanted to be able to go back to him and show him that I had changed… and now that hope was dead. Duo would never be mine again.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I couldn't. I had messed up even worse than I imagined and hurt Duo more than I thought.

If Vittorio and the girls weren't depending on me, I think I would've just ended it. Driven out to the bridge and jumped off into the bay.

But I couldn't do that to them. They were depending on me, and right now I couldn't let myself fail anyone else.

I pulled myself up off the floor the next morning and into the shower. I'd go into work early, help Isa out with the morning crowd, or help Vittorio back in the kitchen. As long as I wasn't here it would be okay.

I walked down the stairs and heard Mia's voice.

"Heero is a good boy! Why are you here asking all these questions about him?"

"Ma'am, I assure you, I'm an old friend of his," said a familiar voice.

I looked over the railing and saw Quatre standing in front of Mia's door, very proper looking and out of place in his expensive suit and tie.

Sighing, I made my way down the rest of the stairs. "Morning Mia!"

"Heero!" She greeted me and then gestured at Quatre. "This gentleman claims to know you!" Her tone indicated that she doubted his claim, and didn't think he was much of a gentleman.

"I know him." I told her. "Good morning Quatre."

"Heero. Do you have a moment to talk?" He smiled and raised an eyebrow at me.

"I'm on my way to work," I prevaricated.

"They said you didn't work until eleven when I called- it's only eight now."

I suppressed a sigh. "Okay."

I led him out of the building. I wasn't taking him up to my apartment. There was a small coffee stand nearby. We could go there and talk. "We can get some coffee around the corner, all right?" He nodded.

"You live in a charming neighborhood, Heero," Quatre said as we walked down the street.

"Thank you," I told him.

"Why did you choose it?"

"It wasn't an area I was familiar with. I thought that would be best."

"Someplace you felt uncomfortable?"

"Yes."

Quatre nodded. "I see. Same thing with your job?"

"Yes."

"And yet you've gotten very good at it. The server last night said so." He smiled. "She also claimed you were hopeless when you started."

"I was."

We reached the coffee stand. Quatre insisted on paying for it, and I let him. He made more than I did after all. We claimed a bench outside, and I leaned against the hard back and waited. I was sure he hadn't come down here just to talk about my job.

Quatre took a sip of coffee and sighed. "We've missed you."

"I missed you too." Was this a lead in to a lecture? Part of me hoped it was, hoped that Quatre was going to rip me to shreds. Maybe I'd feel better.

Quatre turned on the bench, drawing one leg up, so that he was facing me. "I have to apologize to you Heero."

I blinked. "For what?"

"Last night." He sighed. "It was all my fault."

"What are you talking about?"

"Duo's been a wreck since you left. He took a leave of absence from the Preventers- went looking for you, ran himself ragged. We were worried that he was…" Quatre frowned. "Well, we thought you were dead, we figured he was next. So a month ago we made him stop. Trowa and I made him move in with us. He went back to work, we tried to get his life as normal as we could."

I put my coffee down on the bench and rubbed my forehead. This was even worse than I had thought…

"Heero," Quatre reached out and touched my arm. "I know you feel guilty, and you should. Trust me- part of me wants to beat the shit out of you…" He shook his head. "The other part of me feels guilty for not realizing that having to resign from the Preventers would do this to you. I should've stepped in right away…"

He shrugged. "But right now we need to focus on Duo. Trowa and I, in an effort to get Duo interested in other things, introduced him to Clark. He works with Trowa, he had met Duo. We had him over for dinner a few times a week or we all went out to dinner together."

"Duo said he was a nice guy."

"He is, that's why we asked him to join us. We didn't think it would be anything serious- just someone to balance us out, so Duo wouldn't feel like a third wheel. Clark is from L2, he shares some of Duo's interests, they get along very well. We kept telling him that it wasn't a crime to see someone occasionally and enjoy their company."

Quatre took another sip of his coffee. "Last night was the first time we convinced Duo to go out with Clark- on something that was more like a date. I will admit Clark had been pushing for it for a while- I'm still not sure how he got Duo to agree… But we were all going to have dinner together and then they were going to go to a movie."

I inhaled sharply. "And I ruined it."

Quatre's lips quirked up in a faint smile. "Only you would worry about that aspect of it. Duo panicked when he saw you- well, you saw, we all froze… it's not everyday that someone comes back from the dead. And then you didn't come back to the table… and that lovely server was hanging all over you when we left…"

I blinked startled. It had never occurred to me that they would even look at Sofia that way…

Quatre's jacket made an odd buzzing sound. He frowned and reached inside his coat and pulled out a cell phone. "One minute," he told me, and flipped it open. "Winner… Trowa?…No… What?" He looked at me and bit his lip. "I'm sitting with Heero. No… Please do. I'll be home soon."

He flipped the phone closed. "Duo's not in his room. No one saw him leave. I have to get back…"

"Where is he?"

"I don't know. He has a few places he usually vanishes off to. Look- I need to make this quick… Duo came home last night upset- he said he had messed up his talk with you, and you had made him leave. Will you agree to talk to him again?"

I wanted to argue with Quatre that I hadn't made Duo leave, but it wasn't important right then. "Of course… do you need my help?"

Quatre shook his head. "No, you have work. We'll do it." He tossed his cup in the trash. "I'll let you know when we find him, okay?"

"Okay…" Quatre turned and walked back down the street, moving quickly.

I stared at the cup of coffee in my hands. Duo thought he had messed up? That I had made him leave? Had I?

I thought back to the end of our conversation. I had gone to the door and opened it- like there was no other choice...

Hot coffee splashed over my hand and I realized I had crushed the coffee cup between my fingers. I got up, tossed the cup and grabbed some napkins to clean up.

If the road to hell was truly paved with good intentions, I must be pretty close to the doors by now.

I made my way to the restaurant, worried about Duo, hoping he was okay, wondering where the hell I had messed up so badly when all I had wanted to do was the right thing…

I walked into the restaurant. Isabella was by the cash register. "Are you here for breakfast Heero?" She smiled at me. "You can't be here to work yet." She raised an eyebrow. "Do you know you have a bruise right here?" She tapped the side of her face.

"Yes. If there's something to do, I'll do it. I had a bad night, Isa."

She smiled. "Why don't you go join the customer at table five and I'll bring you some coffee?"

I turned, expecting to see one of my regulars at the table by the front window.

Duo was sitting there, dressed as he had been last night, looking tired and rumpled. He was looking out the window, a paper spread out on the table in front of him.

I looked back at Isa. She was grinning. "He came in this morning and Uncle talked to him. Uncle tried to call you, but you didn't answer your phone."

She vanished toward the kitchen and I made my way through the tables to Duo.

"Hey," I said softly when I got close enough. He looked up at me. "I'm glad to see you."

That earned me a faint smile.

"I have a question," Duo said softly.

"What is it?"

"Was… was what you said last night non negotiable? Could we… I mean, could you…" Duo bit his lip.

I sat down in the chair across from him. "No. I was up all night thinking. I- said some things wrong. Maybe we could try again?" I looked at the glass of water in front of him. "Do you want coffee? Isa's bringing me some."

"I had some already."

"So," I plunged ahead. "Where do we start?"

Duo looked down at the paper. "I have some things I need to know. Things I wanted to find out about last night, but- the conversation got away from me."

"It's okay- I think the conversation got away from both of us." I told him. I decided that Duo was going to lead the conversation. We'd talk about whatever he wanted.

Isa arrived with my coffee.

"Grazie," I told her and she gave me a smile.

"Let me know if you need anything else. You okay Duo? Want some more water?"

"No thank you," he smiled for her and she winked back. "She's nice," he said when she had gone back to the register.

"They all are. The Medicis have been very kind to me."

"Isa said her sister got you the job?"

I chuckled, and saw an opening to share some information that I thought he needed to know. "No, she noticed that I needed one. Then I talked to the owner. After I promised to keep my hands off his nieces, he hired me."

Duo's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes. He spent ten minutes telling me how anyone he hired would have to treat his girls like sisters, that they couldn't be distracted from their education. I don't think he really wanted to hire me until I told him about you- and he realized his girls were safe."

"You told him about me?"

"Yes. That's why Sofia took your table last night. I'm sorry Duo- I just couldn't handle seeing you here with someone else."

He blinked. "But…" he closed his mouth. "Oh. I see…" I sipped my coffee, waiting for him to speak.

It was hard. There were lots of things I wanted to say. But I waited.

"Heero… the guy last night..."

"Yes?"

"He and I… Well, I've been staying at Quatre's. He's a friend of theirs- he'd come over and kinda, well, you know how Tro and Quat are… So, I guess it was like dating. It felt like dating. And I was lonely…"

"Of course you were."

"Last night I had agreed to go out with him for real… but…" I waited. "Then we saw you."

"I'm sorry I messed your date up." Duo shook his head.

"I messed up a lot of things last night." He looked up. "I may have been seeing him but… it's not… wasn't anything like we had."

I nodded. He looked at his water glass. I took another sip of coffee and let my eyes wander away from him for a moment.

Sofia, Isabella and Vittorio were all by the counter, all studiously not looking our way.

I choked on my coffee.

Duo looked at me eyes wide, then glanced over at the counter.

"Maybe we need to go someplace else and talk?" I asked.

"That might be good." Duo agreed. "I'd hate to have them mad at me. It took me twenty minutes to convince the old guy to let me stay and wait for you."

I got to my feet, Duo beside me and headed for the exit.

"I'll be back in time for my shift." I told Vittorio.

"No worries," Isa answered. "I have it covered! Take the day off and sleep in late tomorrow, we aren't open anyway!"

Her uncle rolled his eyes at her. "Be here on Monday," he said and then added in Italian: "if that boy breaks your heart again, let us know." He frowned at Duo.

"Thank you, but I think I broke his first." I replied in the same and ushered Duo out of the restaurant.

"Do I want to know what you two said there at the end?" Duo asked me.

"No. Where shall we go? Is my apartment okay?"

Duo didn't answer for a moment. Then he said: "If it's okay with you."

We walked back to my apartment in silence, both of us immersed in our own thoughts. I was wondering if there was anything salvageable left. Had I destroyed everything?

I opened the door to my apartment and let Duo in. He looked around again. "You only have one chair?"

"I don't get much company." Duo sat down on the edge of my bed. I sat down next to him and waited.

"Are you going to say something?" He asked.

"I said all the wrong things last night. I'm waiting for you to start," I told him.

Duo took a breath. "I'm furious with you." He said softly. "I can't believe you just left me like that. I knew you were upset, and I knew what your job meant to you. I understand now why you thought you were doing the right thing, but you weren't!" His voice rose. "It's like you thought your attitude was hurting me all the time- and it wasn't. I was used to it- it was a part of you. We all have faults Heero, and that is one of yours."

I nodded, he took a deep breath.

"And one of mine is jumping to conclusions. I saw you with that girl and assumed the worst. I wanted to hurt you. And last night I tried- and I messed up. I left last night because I thought I had ruined my chance with you. That you didn't want me and that was your way of telling me…"

"Duo…"

He shook his head. "Then I went home and really thought about what you had said. I thought about the things I had said- and what I had done to hurt you. So I came back today, because I had to know more…"

He stopped again.

"What do you need to know Duo?"

"Tell me why you left me- and not the I deserved better part. The other part. The part that has to do with you."

I closed my eyes. This hurt.

"Because I failed. Out of all the jobs on the planet, I should've been able to hold on to that one. I thought… I thought you would be ashamed of me. I was already trying to figure out how to fix myself… and then you told me that I was doing the same thing in our relationship. I was failing." I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"I was hurting you. I didn't know how to stop. I wanted to, but I was afraid that if you tried to help me I'd hurt you worse. That I'd fail you more."

"Heero- we all fail sometimes…"

"I wasn't supposed to fail. I was supposed to be the best. Perfect. I thought I could do anything- and then I lost my job. And I lost you."

"You left me- you didn't lose me."

"Yes I did- or I thought I was. How could you love a failure?" Duo snorted.

"Idiot."

"I know it." I sighed. "Trust me, I know it. I was an idiot. I was scared. I wanted to do what was best for you and screwed it up. Badly."

Silence stretched between us again, both of us deep in our own thoughts.

What next?

"So," Duo leaned back on his hands and took a deep breath. "What do we do now?"

I slid off the bed and knelt in front of him. "I apologize. Over and over, and I know it's not enough, but I do and I will. If there is any way to make this mess up to you, I'll do it."

He smiled faintly. "So we can be friends again?"

"If that's what you want."

"You said last night we couldn't be friends- that you'd want more…"

"I'll always want more. But… that's not my decision. That's yours. I left you. I've missed you. I don't deserve you. If you ever decide that you want me that way again, I'm yours. If you'd rather be friends, or even if you choose to walk away, it's your choice and I'll do what you want."

The phone rang, making both of us jump. We blinked at each other.

"Maybe your work got a sudden rush of customers?" Duo blinked at me.

"I don't know…" I reached out and scooped up the phone, settling myself down flat on the floor. "Hello?"

"It's Quatre. Is Duo with you?"

"Yes."

A sigh. "You knew we were looking for him. Put him on the phone please."

I handed the phone to Duo. "It's for you."

"Hello? Oh Quatre! For goodness sakes, I'm not your kid!" Duo flung himself backwards across my bed. "OW! Huh? Oh no- Heero's bed has a popped spring in it or something. Yes. Yes. I'm fine. Oh…oops. Yeah, I'll call him. Yes. Yes, Dad I will. Bye." He sat up again and hung up the phone.

"I forgot to tell you Quatre came to talk to me this morning- and he was looking for you."

Duo shook his head. "It's okay. Quatre's just a worrier- you know how he is." He leaned over and propped his arms up on his knees. "Where were we?"

"You were making a choice."

Duo shook his head. "There isn't a choice. I love you. I want to be with you. But I swear to you Heero- you ever, ever hurt me like this again- there won't be a second chance. It won't matter how much I love you. Okay?"

I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could answer him. "Okay."

He leaned forward and grabbed my shirt collar. "Come here and kiss me."

I did as he asked, rising up on my knees and meeting his lips. Gently at first, but then it moved into something else. Duo went backwards, yanking me with him.

"Ow!" He complained against my mouth. I rolled over, putting him on top.

"Sorry," I apologized when he let me.

"We're getting that spring fixed."

I blinked at him. He smiled. "Unless you want to move away from your job. I can get to mine easily enough from here." He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I thought… I thought you'd want me to quit. Move back with you."

Duo shook his head. "I gave up the apartment a month ago. And why would you quit? You like your job." He smiled. "Though you have to do one thing for me."

"Anything."

"Teach me Italian… it's going to drive me crazy if I go in there and have no idea what they are saying to you." I laughed and pulled him close, letting my hands sink into his braid, my mouth graze his.

"Whatever you want, mio tesoro."


End file.
